you can sleep when you're dead

whenever i do it, i get a very strange and exciting feeling, it's like this crazy adrenaline running all over my body. after i'm finished, i feel ridiculous for two reasons: first, i hate myself for simply doing it; second, i feel like a coward for not cutting a deeper cut, for not pushing the piece of shattered glass harder against my skin, for not making myself ache and hurt and bleed more, for not pushing over the edge. then, when the tears start coming, they don't stop for a while. i've learned not to wait for them to cease and to keep on doing what i was doing before getting the urge to torture myself. sometimes, while crying, i look at the wound and think, ''my god, that looks like it hurts'', losing the sense of reality and forgetting that i'm looking at my own body.